Water like a drop of fire
Hot and bright and keen like fire
Floating down and scorching snow
Looking down, can’t let this go
Pain skin-deep and ache within
Drowning in this sullied sin
Cuts herself with memories
And bring this temple down with ease
Erase the guilt; and healing foster
Regardless of what the change could cost her
Dress in shadows, wear a mask
Soothe the sting, the night won’t last
Screaming, shouting ‘til she’s raw
Screaming when the demons call
But they don’t mind, they like the sound
They chase and woe her till she’s drown’d
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Empressoftheuniverse -
I just wanted to clear something up:
In this line, it is implied that the body itself is a temple, devastated by the mistakes the person in the poem has made.
Also, the poem was entitled "Ill" simply because it is about an illness. Specifically, chronic depression. Of course poetry is written to be interpreted in many different ways.
Thank you everyone for your feedback. It is much appreciated!
S.S. Rose
I hate to disagree with the poetry god above me but.. I kind of like that.
I love this stanza; absolutely the best thing in the poem.And by poetry gods I don't mean in caustic or sarcastic sense but truly I admire Kylan's work immensly. I just don't utterly agree with him on this.
One thing that irked me. You have three apostroph'd words in the last stanza, 'til, 'til again, and drown'd. If your going to do that, try and do it throughout the poem, or else find another thing to do with the rhythm in the last stanza.
The second stanza had that hlaf-rhyme, mask-last, that made me squish my nose up but besides that, I really enjoyed it. It didn't feel like another "woe is me, I'm a teen" angst-ridden thing. It was dark, certainly, and maybe not the most original piece but I thought it was well-excecuted. A star for you.
Keep on rhyming,
The UNiverse
The title doesn't suit it well. It's about pain and suffering, not an illness. Pulling a phrase from your poem, it could be "The Demons Call".
I agree with Kylan on several aspects:
Every line rhymes, but the first two lines use fire. It's hard to rhyme fire with something that would fit here, though, so it doesn't bother me too much.
The bloodred shouldn't be red. I can see doing it in a concrete poem, where the words are shaped into a picture and some are coloured, but it serves no purpose here.
SS Rose -
Depressing. Depressing content and depressing due to the fact that this is yet another angtsy teenage catalogue of woes, and not something unique and fresh. Your first two lines are repitious -- they both contain similes to fire. Chage it up.
I'm not sure about your choice to make the word "bloodred" red in actuality. I think it's kind of gimicky. The only place I've really seen that utilized effectively is in Mark Danielowski's House Of Leaves. Here the purpose of the font coloring is without real symbolism or purpose and doesn't really add anything pertinent to your poem.
For the most part your rhyme scheme was well executed, although I'm not really partial to rhyming poetry. I think what you need to work on is your concept -- it lacks originality and is tediously vague in saying something that's already been said many times before. I also urge you to work on you imagery and similes. Similes are really fun, when you know how to use them. You have to think outside the box and manipulate language in such a way that it ends up saying something that's never been said before.
-Kylan